


snatcher is not a good dm

by doodleyLinguist



Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Dungeons & Dragons References, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Tried, I really did, I wrote this instead of doing work, One Shot, horrible horrible mutilation of how dnd works, i tried to make this long, inspired by fedoraspooky on tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 07:47:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23467864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doodleyLinguist/pseuds/doodleyLinguist
Summary: “Well. Go loot the corpse, dig around. Maybe you can eat it to regain health.”or: snatcher DMs a campaign featuring bow, hat, and mu.shenanigans ensue. have i ever actually been in a campaign? no. will that stop me from writing this? hell no.
Relationships: Bow Kid & Hat Kid & Mustache Girl (A Hat in Time), Bow Kid & Hat Kid (A Hat in Time), Bow Kid & Mustache Girl, Bow Kid & Snatcher (A Hat in Time), Hat Kid & Mustache Girl (A Hat in Time), Hat Kid & Snatcher (A Hat in Time), Mustache Girl & Snatcher (A Hat in Time)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	snatcher is not a good dm

“Do you REALLY wanna look in that chest?”

Snatcher grinned, a smirk stretching from ear to nonexistent ear, as he waited patiently for a reply. Three kids sat opposite him, mumbling amongst each other.

He waited patiently, talons lightly rapping the table behind the screen. He’d played quite the handful of sessions with these three, and they’d never ceased to surprise him. That being said, they _did_ die quite often. Each of them had lost at least ten characters, which now sat sad and battered, in a box he’d affectionately nicknamed the Hero Graveyard. Despite Mustache Girl and Bow Kid’s contrasting approaches to his traps and dungeons (Mu would often try and engage in combat, while Bow would cautiously check every nook and cranny), the three worked together well, and at least one of them would survive every fifth campaign.

Right now, they’d just _barely_ pulled through the basilisk at the end of the current dungeon and had stumbled upon its hidden treasure hoard, speckled with the petrified corpses of past warriors. Only one chest was there, however, and this being one of the Snatcher’s campaigns, all three approached it with a certain degree of caution and fear.

But it really came as no surprise when Mu, known for plunging the party into dangerous, easily avoidable conflicts jumped and declared, “Let’s open the chest!” while Hat and Bow gave small, strained smiles.  
  
Snatcher’s unwavering smile took on a more menacing tilt as he shuffled some papers behind the screen. “Your character comes over to the chest, stepping close enough for you to open the lid. Suddenly, the chest opens by itself,” he lowers his voice to a whisper, as all three kids lean forwards in rapt anticipation, clutching their character sheets anxiously.   
“As the mimic’s teeth spring out and it attacks you!”

If Mu was angered that she’d basically signed their death wish (which wasn’t much of a stretch from what Snatcher usually did) she did an incredibly good job masking it with eagerness. “Hah! You’re going down, bad guy!”  
  
Snatcher gave a smug grin, as he tossed the purple dice towards the kids. “Roll initiative, kiddos.”

* * *

Ten minutes later, Snatcher’s mimic laid dead on the dungeon floor as Mu, Hat and Bow’s characters sat tending to the various wounds they’d received.

“That wasn’t so difficult!” Hat Kid piped, crossing off spell slots and inventory items on a small paper as they were used. “BFF, did you go easy on us?”

“And why would I, Hat Brat?” he sneered, mentally marking down the mimic as an exhausted tactic. “Well. Go loot the corpse, dig around. Maybe you can eat it to regain health.”

All three kids made faces of disgust, much to Snatcher’s amusement.

Bow raised a hand, and asked, “Can I inspect the treasure chamber?”  
  
“Knock yourself out, kid,” Snatcher replied. “It’s wisdom, DC 20.”   
  
Bow made a small “oh,” noise, before grabbing the dice and rolling.

“20! Yes!” she cried, and picked her sheet up. “I met it. What do I see?”  
  
Snatcher’s eye twitched (this was the furthest they’d made in a while) as he slumped down behind his screen. “You spot one brick, looking newer and less worn than the others. It juts out just a bit more than the others.”

This time, Hat Kid’s the one that makes the decision. “I press it!”  
  
“Are you suuuuuuuure?” Snatcher taunted, leering over the screen.   
  
Hat Kid nodded firmly, and Snatcher feigned annoyance. “The walls begin shifting as they reveal a bigger room, filled with gold and treasure.”

Hat Kid and Bow high-fived each other, while Mu sat to the side, pretending to act nonchalant. It was only when Bow kid offered her hand up to Mu did she finally show a semblance of a smile.  
  
“Congrats kiddos, your newest incarnations live,” Snatcher announced. “When was the last time you didn’t all die? Five campaigns ago? Ten?”   
  
“Nine campaigns ago,” Mu answered, then clenched her fist and fell to her knees in mock defeat. “I will never forget Johanna. Never will I ever go wading in a swamp again."

**Author's Note:**

> quarantine is driving me crazy send help and chocolate
> 
> inspired by these posts:  
> https://fedoraspooky.tumblr.com/post/611031631014264832/who-let-him-be-dungeon-master  
> https://fedoraspooky.tumblr.com/post/611070015589023744/sjdslfjlkgdlhas-you-cant-just-post-that-pic-and
> 
> Instagram: [@thespaceaxolotl](https://www.instagram.com/thespaceaxolotl/?hl=en)  
> Tumblr: [@natto-axolotl](https://natto-axolotl.tumblr.com)  
> Twitter: [@NattoAxolotl](https://twitter.com/NattoAxolotl)  
> i apologize for how badly i wrote a dnd session-


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